Allow yourself to really FEEL without trying to rationalize away, minimize, suppress, avoid or manipulate the emotions. How can you say you love someone and list everything that’s wrong with that person at the same time? It can also be easier to forgive someone when you see them as a whole person. Is your ex twisting something you say into something gross and evil? If it hurts you in any way to respond to him, don't respond at all. 2. There’s no need to rub their nose in how mad you are. This is grammatically the most correct way to respond, but as we’ll see later, it’s not the only way. If you’re going to send a letter to your ex, make sure they’re getting more than a hate note. May be it is indeed over, or may be it’s your attitude and the way you are approaching this that is creating more resistance. Anyone who says they've never hurt someone is either unaware, or a liar. The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. But if getting back your ex (and your own happiness) is more important to you than “being right”, then it’s vital that you change your attitude, words and behavior from adversarial to cooperative. It's a fact of nature that people want the things they can't have, therefore once your ex believes that he/she can't take you back whenever, your ex will want you more than ever. Is he/she doing this just to be intentionally cruel? My ex says she still loves me but every time we have a conversation all she talks about are my flaws. It’s customary to respond, but it’s not always necessary. Underneath a lot of anger is often a good deal of hurt, so if tears come while you are doing this, let them flow. This response often captures that you can see that the apology may have been difficult for the other person, and you want to show appreciation for their vulnerability and ownership of … If you respond it shows that you still care about what she thinks of you. The Three Biggest Obstacles to Saving the Planet, Can You Tell Fact from Fiction? If you have the emotional fortitude of the Dalai Lama or some other “enlightened soul” then just sit it out and let him/her talk, rave, cry and curse – whatever. Learning to release your anger can often happen more easily when you take your focus off of the specific events that occurred and instead try to see the perspective of the people involved. This is a tricky one. as a standard greeting. In my experience, most situations are not what many of us make them out to be. You need to assure the other person that you can take care of your own emotional state. When I did not respond with hostility as before then neither did he. I still love her Yangki, and want her back. I have gone through all sorts of emotions. Why is he/she making everything sound or look worse than what it is? A safe way to get it out is to simply write it down. It can hit hard at your self-confidence and self-esteem and cause your emotions to fluctuate from one moment loving your ex and the next hating him/her. First Allow … The “shock” from these accusations and lies even though they are vague and non-specific can hurt to the core. Let alone having to put up with them if they absolutely hate you. When Video Gaming Becomes a Disorder. Even if it is only one person who stands in a place of behaving from a place of love we affect the outcome. Analyze … COPYRIGHT © 2005 - 2020 ASK THE LOVE DOCTOR - YANGKI AKITENG. But the wound that gets inflicted from betrayal can sometimes linger long after a relationship ends, and when you hold on to anger and resentment, it can become toxic and keep you from moving forward. We were together for almost 2 years. That can take some time depending on the action and severity. 2) Acknowledge the problem (whatever it is) as a joint problem and take responsibility for your part in making it a problem. This entirely depends on you through and through. Although it may seem weird, but it will help you make the decision that is it worth to waste your energy to make your ex want you back again. Where do we put all the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, the hurt…? Is It Normal To Feel Confused About My Ex? I know her too well, and this is not like her. Your ex is mean to you (and/or angry at you) most of the time. I know that I hurt you, but I’ve had a huge wake up call. Do People Everywhere Feel Blue and Turn Green with Envy? When your anger over another person’s actions is keeping you stuck, it means he or she still exerts control over your life. Later, if sharing it still feels important, then share the letter with someone you trust, such as a close friend or a therapist. Maybe he/she just used that as a way to end the relationship. Is there anything else that may be contributing to your emotions? May be she thinks it’ll be easier for you to walk away if you think she’s a mean person. You may have had the experience of stuffing your anger down until it erupts in one big explosion, only to later regret it and promise to keep it stuffed down even deeper next time. If one of you dumped the other, healing from the breakup is even more difficult. Did any … What any one person says or does is always much more about them than it is about you. When someone treats you poorly, violates your boundaries, or does something hurtful, you have a right to be angry about it. The less you respond, the better. Does My Avoidant Ex Want To Be Left Alone. Here, person A uses the question How are you? Don’t hold anything back, because you aren’t going to send it. Above all, try to remember tip #1, “Do not engage.” it will save you a lifetime of stress and headache. I … Get hold of your emotions, change the attitude, approach things differently, and see what happens. And keep in mind it is always better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t see you clearly enough to value you. Some will go to extreme measures to numb the anger, often with self-destructive and unhealthy behavior, but avoiding it doesn’t help it go away. She’s the most loving and kind person I know, that’s why I just don’t understand why she’s like this to me. She is passive aggressive and only brings things up weeks or months after the fact. (Part 2), 7 Things You Need to Learn About Your Temper. She seems to get meanier and say very hurtful things when I tell her how much I still love her and care about her. Or maybe they have had a rare flash of self-awareness and are apologizing for how they hurt you when you were together; you were right in every single argument, they … So again, be the bigger person and take the bull by the horns. Feeling the anger in these situations tells you that you have a healthy level of self-respect. Practice self-compassion as much as possible, engage in as many healthy self-care activities as you can, and most of all surround yourself with friends and family you know care about you and have your best interests at heart. It is often the emotion that gives you the courage to separate from an unhealthy relationship. Analyze the opponents need: There aren’t individuals who insult or hurt you for no reason. Thank you SO MUCH for being so generous for posting this. Why Am I Still So Angry After All These Years. Neither did he, first things first person says or does is always much more about them it. 3 ) Emphasize the positive and extend forgiveness whether an apology should only accepted. Obstacles to Saving the Planet, can you tell fact from Fiction is a perfectly Normal, response... She broke up with me 5 situations where you can either stay in “ NC ”.. 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